Hi!, yes it’s a new layout but don’t get attached to it because i’m still experimenting. Before i forget and you should accuse me of something, Selamat Belated Hari Raya to those who celebrates. I know some like to celebrate their raya for a full month but it’s been 13 days, GIVE IT A REST ALREADY! Do i sound aa bit too harsh? Sorry….. 😉 it is still the raya month, non?
Speaking of asking for forgiveness, why do we wait until raya to do them? I did the unthinkable on raya morning, i slept in (because i’ve been slogging in the kitchen. the night before). Yesss… i know i am the anak durhaka lah, the isteri durhaka, and whatever. My point is, since we (accidently) hurt the feelings of dear ones around us every other day, why must we wait for this ONE day out of 365 days of the year to ask for forgiveness? Why can’t we just say sorry when we really feel like we’ve hurt them? Well, that was what i was thinking when hubby was nagging saying i don’t even ask for his forgiveness this raya for my wrongdoings. Like he didn’t do any WRONG!?
Anyway, on the third of raya an aunt (by marriage) died. She had a stroke a few months ago and was getting better when she suffered a second stroke that paralysed her and finally took her life. Well, that was what happened medically. My uncle (arwah’s husband, my mom’s youngest bro) and other people, namely my other aunts and relatives think it is buatan orang (black magic). I think, people justify their lost anyway they can, hence the black magic theory.
Arwah (the deceased), when she was alive, always showed her displeasure when she sees my face. I don’t know what i did to deserve the ‘kind’ treatment but it hurt me a lot when she did that. Always. Without fail, even on my wedding day, when she came with my grandparents and other relatives she had the long face. Even when i took her hand and kissed it (with my wedding garb), she DID.NOT.SMILE and looked uninterested. I know i shouldn’t talked bad about the dead but still it hurt me. And i was not glad she died nor was i sad. All i could do was read some yaasin and sedekah Al-fatihah. I was sad though looking at my uncle. He looked so lost and tired, kesian Pok Su. He lost his partner of 20 odd years and my three cousins (all boys) lost their mom. When they brought the body for the final wash, i saw my uncle’s eyes were red and that made me quiver … a little. I did not see the body. I was scared and i didn’t want terkena badi (have fun translating that to english).
As you all might have known, i put on an enourmous weight lately. Don’t ask me how or why it happen but i think all those non-stop eating has to show up somewhere. So, after all of this kematian business (the body was sent to my grand parents house for preparation before burial) i was sitting in the kitchen beside my grandma and she looked over to me and remarked, about how FAT i’ve become. I answered the best i could without sounding kurang ajar (rude), like i was happy maybe and because i eat a lot to shut her up but she insisted that i was a FAT (SLOB)! Ouch! That hurts. But not as much when we went to my paternal grandma’s house and while i was doing the usual kissing hand thing, she exclaimed FAT!FAT!FAT! in her javanese dialect like it was a disease or something as sinful as a pig. Okay maybe i am being overly sensitive here but it hurts okay?! Just because i am fat it does not mean i look horribly ugly and dishevelled, just because i am fat it doesn’t mean the fat shield my heart from getting hurt. Just because i am fat, unfortunately the fat is not clogging my ears from this hurtful remarks. It just FUCKING hurt ok! See?! That’s what i meant when i said about asking for forgiveness thing, it’s ok for old people to say whatever they want to say, even when it hurts your feelings because you have to respect them and let’s face it, you are fat? God!, typing these words just makes me realise how hurt i really feel, i feel like crying. These grandmas haven’t seen me in ages, and instead of asking me if i’m happy or if i am ok, or see what i have accomplished career wise ( ok, i know a dodgy area), they exclaim FAT! when they see me. Aku berdendam ok! Tengok lah raya tahun depan MAYBE aku balik. Yes, i am being petty…