Lately, this blog defeats it’s purpose, which is, being a space for me to let out steam and at the same time feeds my ego when I see how many people read the meaningless stuff I wrote in this itty bitty site ( macam lah banyak pun yang datang…). I can’t write as honestly or truthfully lest I might hurt the feelings of people around me or bring unrepairable damage to my reputation (ada reputation ke akuu..??) That’s the price I pay for using my real name for the site name (bijak, bijak..ughh… who cares anyway..)
Last month and this week especially, have been very very hard on me. I have not experienced this feeling for quite some time now, more like 3 years. I have had mild depression all through my life. It’s not clinically diagnosed but I have all the symptoms. I feel so tired that no amount of sleep is enough, I feel hopeless and don’t see the point of living (though not to the point of suicidal since my religion damned suicide and all of the suicide method I can think of, would HURT, which means that I did think of killing myself… eeeuuww!), it would take a tremendous effort for me to get up, shower and be presentable every morning, I would find the negative in everything, I am hyper sensitive emotionally, I am sad most of the times, I breakdown and cry myself to sleep almost every night and most of all, I have this unexplained anger at everything in this world (how else can you explained why I accidently hit the car in front of me, when I got angry with the Singaporean driver who wouldn’t give way, the type who would move their car within an inch of the front car bumper during a jam when they see your signal, never mind they themselves are stuck in traffic and can’t even move even if they don’t give you that fucking space because that would mean they have compassion ?)
To make matters worse during that shameful episode, my husband’s lack of empathy for me, he didn’t scold me, he did something worse, he ignored me, he didn’t want to talk about it and somehow that made me even angrier. Writing about this now, brings another wave of shame but didn’t lessen the anger I felt for that Singaporean driver (still) I can still see his arrogant face… See what I’m getting at here? By the way, nobody got hurt, it was more of a nudge than a hit. I think my ego was scratched more than the stupid car. For all the flack I wrote about my husband here (which he deserve each and every single one of them) I am thankful that he is in my life. Even though I think he will never understand me or women in general, (he claims he does though) until the day he dies, bless his ‘cheating and have to have the last say’ heart for trying. He’s the Perhentian island and anchor to my little lost motorboat on the pacific (mati lah tetiba ada perhentian island kat pacific…). He is my saviour and for that I am forever grateful.
I once read something funny about being depressed,
You know what? I think it’s true…. Maybe I am just a total asshole. Maybe that’s why my brother who is years younger than me, felt he can boss me around anyway he please. And by bossing around, I mean he berates me and say hurtful things that I think not in a million years can he get it through his thick Neanderthal skull that it hurts my feelings and my dad who thinks its funny to make fun of my weight by calling me fatty. I remember when I was growing up, my dad has this knack of pointing out my imperfection and not offering any solutions and in the end, I grow up feeling insecure of myself emotionally and physically that I think, it influenced the bad decisions I made because i readily trust anyone who was nice to me. I was hungry for the approval and the attention. I am no way blaming my parents for the way I turned out but I do think they are partly responsible for some of the screwed up mess that is ME.