I haven’t been updating lately because I was not in the mood to write about anything. I guess finding out that my husband (who I wrote extensively about here) cheated on me was a blow to my ego more than anything else. I mean , here I was writing like a love SICK schoolgirl professing my love for him (even if it’s in sarcasm) and he was frolicking with someone else behind my back. At the time when I wrote my last post, I was literally broken. It hurt too much to even breathe and hence the jiwang songs, sudirman lagik…. It felt like the end of the world and I wasn’t sure I could get past his betrayal. How can I look him in the eyes and trust him after this? There’s so much that I want to ask and find out that I doubt I would get all the answer. My husband is not the type who would sit and talk things out during our fights. He thinks IT (whatever the issue at the moment that I was not happy about) will be finished, forgotten by ignoring me and my complaints.
I wanted to know, why he fucked with my feelings? Why? Isn’t our marriage vow enough to bind his wayward dick? Is the girl he’s sleeping with better in bed? Prettier? Or god forbid – thinner! (all shallow reasons) What I really wanted to know is, if he loves me as much as he claimed, how can he even think of looking at someone else? And what makes him think I wouldn’t find out? Did he think I was stupid and he could get away with it? All of these questions unanswered. I know I have my faults, I am not perfect and I can be difficult at times but betraying me is not the answer.
Things are never going to be the same between us. Even though I still love him and can’t think of him not being in my life (which is why we are still together), there will always be that invisible line of distrust between us. That line that says, you’ve betrayed me before, what’s stopping you from doing it again? We are slowly repairing the damage that was done. God help us.